Dear darlings,

I have been living a life in pause and apprehension. Waiting for my life to begin, forgetting my life is happening already. With or without my participation.

At the end of this year, I will be out of work and it is equally terrifying and invigorating! I have been working since I was 15 and full time since 18. In this time, not once have I made a decision on my life based on what I want to do. Responsibility is my comfort zone.

I wanted to study Fine Art or Animation at University and pursue a career in some artistic discipline. However, one day I stuffed those dreams down deep, thinking they would be fruitless…

My Mum studied Fine Art and my Dad Architecture. Neither of them work in anything remotely related to what they studied, and are still paying off student debt. I took this information in hand and thought it best to choose something that seemed ‘realistic’.

In college, I thought Psychology seemed a good enough pick! Surely, doing this, I could make a life for myself? I’d be able to look after my family and make them proud!

When results day came around, I looked at my offer to study Psych at the Uni of my choice but immediately, something within me wildly rejected that path.

I couldn’t say whether it was the inherited fear from my parent’s experience, or whether something in me knew that psychology would drive me doolally.

I deferred the offer and said that I would give myself a year. I would explore, learn, see, and commit my time to understand what I want to do with my life. Spend some time simply being. No pressure. Yet, each day (like a birds beak), something picked at me from within. I felt guilty for being so idle.

1 month into my ‘gap year’ I found myself an Apprenticeship.

Two jobs and two redundancies later I’ve had enough!!

I WANT TO HAVE SOME FUCKING FUN

When this year draws to a close and I put an end to the blandest and self sacrificing years of my life,

I WANT COLOUR, I WANT FUN, I WANT SUMMER, I WANT SEX, I WANT HEAT, I WANT TRAVEL, I WANT BOOKS, I WANT PAINTINGS, I WANT RAIN, I WANT PINK, I WANT SWEAT, I WANT MUSIC, I WANT FAST, I WANT. I WANT. I WANT.

My reservation is over, my apprehension is over, my fear is over. I will not live in a shell, I will not carry my parents fears. I will no longer wait.

No more waiting.

Living comes next. I can’t wait to show you all what I have planned…

Yours ambitiously,

Isabisa ٩(˶´༥`˶)و