recent thoughts...

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• 18th October 202618/10/2026

  Being overly honest on the internet once again. If I can’t do it on my own blog where can I.

  it’s my mess, so i must clean it.

  This morning, I was sleeping on the sofa or at least trying to. I have started my antidepressants and let me just say I have been experiencing every (and I mean EVERY) side effect on the blooming box. Nausea, excessive sweating, INSOMNIA! So when I fell asleep, for the first time in 3 days, I decided it’s was better to accept sleep whenever and wherever it found me. Around 3am, I had given up on my crusade for sleep and I accepted the 4 and a half hours I got graciously. I popped on a Markiplier ‘I’m on observation duty 8’ live stream and let my eyes turn to rectangles. Staring at the screen.

  My Mum, came running down the stairs, stood above me like a spectre and said “Do you wanna watch the sunrise and have a fire pit?”. We sat out there in the garden, I’ve spent a year trimming and prettifying, feeling the heat rise and hearing the flames crackle as the sparks flew up to the burgeoning sunrise. I felt so happy and far away from my internal issues.

  Yesterday, at therapy we talked about things I haven’t thought of for years. Things I had buried and forgotten, yet the memories slipped out my lips like they meant nothing. Realising I have for years picked myself apart for everything, internal and external from the skin that touches the soil when I step, to the follicles of hair that I hide under wigs.

  Time and time again, I have failed to become what I’ve wanted, and I am gripping with brittle fingernails to hold on hope that I’ll be able to make a change. Emerge from my self inflicted prison. A butterfly.

  I will though. Every day will be sunrises and fire pits. I’m a pretty tough bitch and I’ve made it through worse.

  I need to get a pedicure done SOON though, they’re a state.

  Yours raucously,

  Isabisa ٩(˶´༥`˶)و